I’m Really scared of the summer… 

and i have every right to be

that i’m with him so much.

It’s difficult to stay away from someone you’re naturally drawn too.

I’m sorry, i’m not handling being away very well.

I’m sorry i’ve abandoned everybody, now that i see i have.

i want to come back, but you have to accept that he’s coming too.

He is me now, we are one.

distance (source)

This is going to be about everything.

i have about half an hour of work left and im going to spend it all writing.

I need to talk about this stuff, but i don’t know what to say, or rather i’ve already said it with no results.

Lets start with the fact that i abuse my friendships. At least i started too. i don’t appreciate them enough any more and thats the most messed up thin in general. They are the people who make me who i am. And i constantly ignore them because im to busy swimming around in my pool of made up, over dramatized problems. I’m selfish. i need to give back. But i feel like all of my time i’m either dealing with emotional things, really sad, or really stressed out and busy. i hate it.

That’s another thing. i don’t know how to say. with out everyone taking it the wrong way.

I hate the way my life has become. i hate it. i hate that I’m never really anywhere. i hate that my mind wanders and categorizes things that have no right to be filed. i hate that i feel like i have no time, when in reality i just spend too much of it doing nothing. i spend so much time just sitting around obsessing over time. How ridiculous is that? I hate that i can’t stay happy for five seconds. i hate the disappointment i see in every ones eyes when they look at me. i hate that they can’t see that though my situations are questionable, they do make me happy. i like doing what i do, i like it. But sometimes it is too much, but i hate that i have to admit that. i hate that i have to be weak. i want to be strong. If you’re weak everyone sees it, they abuse it.

I feel like a soldier, a trooper, because like, if you’re in a bad place and it just really sucks, why stop? why stop in that bad place? it’s like marching through quick sand, realizing it’s quick sand and just accepting it. why the fuck would you do that? you have to march through, or its just going to suck you so far in you can’t get out, it will eat you alive. So keep going. don’t let anything stop you, thats how i see it.

Im rambling, really really strong rambles here.

But that just what goes on in my head. nothing but countless rambles and self judgment.

i wonder if he knows how much i hate how much i mess up. how much i wish i could do everything right. how much i wish i could make him happy and never want to leave. but i can’t. the last is the roughest. i can’t make him want to never leave. he always leaves. and i can’t lie and say it doesn’t scare me. it terrifys me. i’ve put everything i have into what we are. into our relationship. i’ve given my heart to the future we whisper about late at night. and I’m scared. because even if we’re troubled i love him so much. i love him. it’s been pretty evident from the beginning. Even if it wasn’t as important to him. even if it haunts me till i die. I’ll deal. The feeling of having his hand in mine and my heart beat in sync with his is far more powerful then any jealousy or hurt i feel over something that really wasn’t wrong.

Im really dumb. i can’t let little things go. the little things that pierce my heart. they just jab in and stay. never leaving. Im sorry about it too. I’ll never forget that night, the night everything exploded. the night you called me her name and it all just went down hill. But i’ll never forget the feeling in my heart when i got that email with an attachment either. or the way your sleepy smile on a computer screen made my heart scream even if it wasn’t aloud too. even if we were still just friends, jesus i loved him them. but ill never forget. the night you tried to leave. last night. the anger. the fear. i wont forget and im sorry.

There are a lot of things i wont forget. like the texts he sent me in a drunken rage, and the words that slipped between her lips in yet another drunken stupor. i can’t. they hurt so Damn much, because its things where someone leaves me. im selfish and im needy. please.

Never leave me.

last night, i wanted to stay in bed with her. i wonder if she’d have let me. i wouldn’t have let me. i’ve been so terrible to her. but i just…i want to be close to someone who i know will never leave, i want to be close to someone whos stayed safely in my heart for the better part of my life. and thats her. thats only her. i mean this in the simplest, kindest, most childish way possible, but shes like a weird angel to me. i need to pay more attention to it. to her, and ring of light, she has it, she just doesnt realize its power.

Works over, thanks for listening.

Or maybe its a second.

but i really need to write about him.

He’s one of the most interesting people i have ever met, yet i know almost nothing about him.

I wish he could feel comfortable with me like the other boys.

I wish he would tell me whats on his mind, because i know it has to be more then what hes saying.

Is it wrong to worry?

or to wonder?

Are you doing okay?